My dad has filed for divorce.
Never. . . and I mean never in my entire life did I think I would ever put those words together in that order. Not my dad. Not Dan Koeman. Not the man who played with his kids every summer. Not that man who made us get out of our beds at night and kneel to pray. Not the man that I made numerous speaches about because I admired him so very much. Not Dan and Gloria Koeman!
Addiction has taken my dad away and I'm not sure who is in his place. This man lies, this man steals, this man hides things, this man makes false accusations, this man abuses his wife, this man tries to hurt his family. . . I don't know this man, nor do I think I want to. I'd like my dad back please. Sad thing is. . . this man is taking down the entire family and there is nothing that I can do about it. It seems wrong to me that one person can decide to throw away the life he had for another, but for me and my family to be discarded, slandered, hurt. . . to be spit out, to be given up in the process. . . oh is my heart is hurting and I am weeping!
He is giving up my mom. My Mom. My "we-nicknamed-her-Stephen-because-she-always-was-a-martyr-for-her-family" mom. My mom who got up at 5:30 every morning to pray for her family. My mom who stood by her husband when he almost lost his life in a bus accident. My mom who wrote his papers in college because he had a learning disability. (I don't think Calvin will care anymore: dad was an amazing teacher!) My mom who went through rehab with dad several times. My mom who kept forgiving (and has forgiven once more) my dad again and again when he went back to drugs.
He is giving up his children. Apparently, drugs are more important than me. Do you know what it feels like to say that? "Um, yes. . . my dad would rather take drugs than spend time with me." Boy, does that make an insecure girl feel great. Even better: he isn't just saying that to me, he is saying that to eight children. Shanda, Gary, Tricia, Matt, Kevin, Gretchen, Ryan, and Kate.
He is giving up his grandchildren. How do I explain this to my kids? My kids think the world of their Gramps. My niece and nephew do even more. Up until now, Gramps has been sick. I can't say that he is sick for the next twenty years. Well. . . Garrison. . . there is something else that Gramps would rather do than be with you. I'm sorry. Simon. . . I know you are named after your Gramps. We prayed that you would be like him in many ways. I hope there is one way in which you are not. Noel. . .if your Gramps were here, he would fall so in love with you! You are a charmer. Too bad I can't use Gramps to help me keep the boys at bay in a few years.
He is giving up his home. My parents will have to sell their house. We need to talk about dividing things up. I don't like dividing things up. I don't like the way it sounds. My parents shouldn't be dividing up anything.
What adds to the awfulness is this: my mom doesn't want a divorce. She doesn't want to get divorced. Can I say it another way? Divorce isn't a option for my mom. Yet, dad has filed. Dad asked for a divorce. There isn't a box to check on the papers that says "I love you Dan and want you to get the help that you need so that we can be together, to journey and serve in the Kingdom together." That isn't on the Michigan paperwork. To add to the awfulness, dad is telling the world that mom has filed. That mom is to blame. That mom is telling lies about him. That mom is sleeping around. That mom has poisoned the kids. That mom is stealing from him. That mom, that mom, that mom. . . . We know that truth will rise, but it is hard. It is hard to keep silent and not jump into the mudslinging. It is hard to speak respectfully when you are so full of hurt and anger. It is hard. It is hard to get e-mails from relatives questioning you because of a lie that my dad told. It is hard to explain to friends who don't know our journey, our story, our pain, our addiction path. . . why we made some of the decisions that we did.
For those who do question us, we have been so faithfully guided by three pastors, one of whom is a recovering addict and now is part of a huge addiction ministry. He knows the ins and outs. He knows dad. His advice and encouragement have been so wonderful.
Two counselors at Pine Rest have given mom the same advice. The same advice as the pastors.
Folks who have been through this with their own family members have been a wonderful encouragement to us. . . stay the course. You are doing the right thing. We can tell that you love him so very much.
Mostly, God has been so very faithful. Not only has He been, He
is so very faithful. I question what He is doing almost daily, but my faith. . . and my families faith has never wavered. We know that He has us in the palm of His hand. We know that His heart is aching with ours. I know Christ is shedding more tears than I am.
My mom's goal, her word, her cry before the Lord has been RESTORATION. In spite of the addition, in spite of the abuse, in spite of the anger from dad, in spite of dad not wanting to go and get help. . . she continues to ask the Lord for restoration.
Dad: I believe that you read this blog. I think that you do because somewhere deep inside of you, you still love and care for your family. Guess what? We love and care for you. We love and care for you so much that we aren't going to enable you any longer. We aren't going to let you abuse mom. We aren't going to stand by while you medicate yourself to death. We are so ready to be with you and wish that you would admit that you are powerless to the addiction. . . then go and get help. We would love for this whole divorce thing to be thrown out so that we can be a family again. You can do it dad. I'm asking God every day to give you eyes to see.
Please pray for us.
