Forgiveness

I cradled my son in my arms and we cried together while I asked him for forgiveness.  He gave it.  He also apologized to me.

There is such beauty in forgiveness.  There is vulnerability.  There is such peace.  There is no "lording it over" on behalf of the forgiver.  God knew what He was doing when He created it and then told us to do it.  Christ emphasized it so much that we are to forgive seventy times seven.

After my anger meltdown with my kids, I put myself in time out and called Gary.  I knew I needed to calm down and I needed to do some changing.  I needed Gary to just listen and pray for me.  I needed to let the Holy Spirit wash over me.

Are you ever in that place?  Do your emotions get the best of you?  Do you know you need to let God take away your anger or bitterness or resentment or entitlement or jealousy or delight in gossip or. . . or. . . or?

Even though he was wrong.  Even though the toilet wasn't flushed.  Even though she cut the zip line.  Even though the duck duties weren't done.  Even though he walked away when I was talking with him.  Even though she hid instead of finished the job.  Even though he punched her.  Even though he called him an idiot.  Even though she kept wanting to do it herself.  Even though the shoes were still where they were last night.  Even though. . . .

I am allowed to be angry.  I need to chose how I handle it.  That goes for anything that comes my way.  God is continually teaching me and I'm thankful for it.  I pray for eyes to see that which needs to be changed and the courage to admit it and do something about it.


P.S. I changed and we had a fabulous afternoon.  Gary said I was a great mom, not because of my behavior or lack thereof, but rather because I'm working to do better when I'm not who I want to be.  I won't always be wonderful.  That is o.k.  I'll take it.

Something is different.

Something is different today.  Something that has never happened in this house before.

Penny is taking her afternoon nap. The other kids are in school.  All Day.  All three of them.  All Day Long.

That is it.  I turned off the radio to sit in the quiet.  I did some work without checking on kids or hearing laughter or fighting.  I didn't set the timer for ipad time.  For the first time in FOUR years, I didn't have to go to school in the middle of the day to drop someone off.

This has never happened before and it is going to keep happening for the next 9 months.

So. . . I'm going to need a plan.  I'm going to need a few goals. . .things I need to get accomplished.  I'll get there.  For today though, I'm still enjoying the quiet.  When I'm done on the computer I'm going to blast some music and do some housework.  I have a new normal and come 3:30, I'll be ready to welcome my kids into the van.  Too bad they'll complain because we need to go and pick up our farm share before we can go home.  

That's o.k.--as soon as the first complaint comes out I'll begin to laugh.

Actually, I've been laughing inside all day already.

This is so much fun.

Hey, it's Tuesday.

I just came in from picking up outside.  The wind is picking up and though the radar says that storm will miss us, I'm trying to be optimistic.  I love a good storm.  Love it.

The last things I picked up were two plastic bags.  The kids grabbed them so that they could put them on their hands and pick apart a dead mouse.  Simon was carrying the mouse around on a tennis racket and picking it apart with a stick.  Garrison wore the plastic.  I loved it.  Science at school and at home!

School began today.  It is the first time in four years that I won't need to do a drop off and/or pick up at during the day.  I didn't feel lost today as Gary was home, but talk to me next week.  Penny and I will do some adjusting together.  I'm excited though and ready.  I'm ready to take back the house.  We had such a marvelous summer and I bless God for it.  I also cried and got upset with some children on the way to school because they were playing with toys while we were praying.  We are ready for school.

I've been so very encouraged by the response to our video.  Thanks.  Thanks for your words of encouragement.  Thanks for your prayers.  Thanks for the donations that have arrived in our mailbox.  I'm overwhelmed and grateful and uncomfortable and amazed at my God and His people.  As my pastor says, "Let's see what God gives."  He indeed is giving and using our friends to do it.

I haven't been "on" in the past year or so with discernment about what to say "yes" to and what to say "no or not at this time" to.  Committees, positions, meetings. . . I have three things on my plate right now awaiting an answer and I just don't know what to do or what to say.  I'm praying and thinking and talking with Gary.  Any other advice?  I'd love to know what you do to discern what direction the Lord would have you go.  I used to do better (See Gary!), but lately though I feel so very close to the Lord. . . I'm not listening right.  Hmmm

Finally, we celebrated all things Gary this week-end as it was his birthday.  Gifts from the dollar store, dinner and a movie, an all things awesome dune ride in Saugatuck. . . I love him.  I'm better because I'm with him.  As I listened tonight to him tell his story to a long lost friend, I smiled at the strange path Gary took before meeting me.  Mine was all over the place too.  God is so very good.

The fundraising video. Bringing Michael home.

It's Thursday.  It isn't any particular Thursday, but it is special to me because we are launching our fundraising video to help with the expenses of bringing Michael home.  Getting to this point has been hard for me because I don't like asking for money.  I just want to be able to do it for myself.  Yet, God has given peace through His Word, through the Holy Spirit working in me, through conversations with friends. . . oh our God is so very good!  Mucho thanks to our friend Sarah for helping put this together.  Shanda ain't the best with technology.  :)

What we are mostly asking for is prayer.  Please please pray.  We have already felt the attack of the enemy and we know that as we get closer there will be more to come.  We are reaching some critical points with our paperwork.  Michael begins school soon.  We have big bills due.  We need to think about childcare when we are gone. . . all these things and more are open for attack and we need prayer cover.

In regards to the fundraising, here are the nuts and bolts.  Adopting from China will cost around $35,000.00. This is money well spent because I would pay lots more for any one of my children.  If you have questions about this amount or want to see a breakdown, feel free to ask.  I'll gladly give you the details.  My e-mail is at the end of the video.  Feel free to ask any questions or give comments.  We welcome them.  Gary and I have an emergency fund set aside and this is an emergency, so we are going to use these funds as well.  Our church is hosting a fundraising event (Live Mannequin Night with brownies sundaes) on September 7 and you are all invited!  The goal is to raise $1,500.00 for us that night.  WOW!  We've already received over $400.00 from friends and family.  It just brings me to tears.  Thanks.  

Gary and I are also very committed to tithing what we are given.  We are so very grateful for the work that International China Concern is doing with Michael and with other special needs kids.  God is using them in marvelous ways in China.  We will be sending them a tenth of what has been given to us regardless of how much we still need.  We want to bless God for His goodness!  (If you want to check out what ICC is doing in China or perhaps sponsor one of Michael's friends, please visit http://www.chinaconcern.org/).

So here it is.  Watch and here how the Holy Spirit stirred our hearts to add Michael to our family.  If God moves you to help us financially (He might ask you to give elsewhere--awesome!) we would be so grateful.  We thank you for your encouragement and prayers thus far.  I'm a little teary just thinking about it. You are welcome to share this with others if you feel led.  We are going to give this to God and see what He does through others.  Bless Him!

Are you ready?  Want to see more of our sweet son?  Are you sure?  Then click play and enjoy meeting our beautiful son Michael.

Thanks.

Cottage Vacation in pictures (and captions)

Ready to go!  Mom and Dad were in a basement a ways away, so the golf cart came with us.  It worked great!

First item of business: fishing.

1. Piece of duct tape with sticky side out. 2. Find various flowers and leaves.  3. Beautiful bracelet that looks dramatically different after two days.

Some serious conversation

I kept the picture regular size.  I didn't want the fish to appear too large.  Fish!  Where are you fish?!

And a rock bass!

He was going to throw Simon into the lake.  It really didn't happen.

Such a poser!

Garrison went along for an early morning ride.  He loved sitting up in the front of Ryan's boat.

Knee board + shovel = stand up paddle board.

Love watching this.

My oldest.  He is pretty cool.

Does this need a caption?  I could eat them up!

Mom and Penny go tubing together.

Kevin took EIGHT of these while we were waiting to go tubing.  Eight.  Of the same picture.  Eight.

Penny loves it.  Dakota not so much.

Can you see the joy on my face?

And then he jumped on me.

A favorite!  My boys love it when Kevin tubs with them.  He makes it to much fun.

Lleyton.

And she is sick.  Can you tell?  What gave it away?  The pink bowl?  The sad face?  The ugly eyes?  Noel not posing for the camera?

It looks like he is skiing.  He isn't.  Kevin is just holding him up.

This is what happens when Kevin lets go.  It was super fun though.

I celebrated.  I'm 40 and I got up on the first try.  Yes Yes Yes!

This is my shocked face that I can still slalom!

When she woke up from this nap she was healed.  It was very strange and very cool.

And then Penny went down for the count.

Purler beads are fabulous on a cold windy day.

It was so cold that we had a party by the garage!

My girls!

This is Gary's reaction after jumping in first thing in the morning.  The air was in the upper 50'2.

I can go with my girl too!

And he caught a crawfish.  Of course. 

Celebration from Tricia and surprise from me that we got up doubles.  I wasn't even hoping for that one!

Matt dresses up for the annual kickball game.

Team Crawfish (Simon is the captain) does their cheer.

Our nice day!  Smooth lake, warm weather, and a competent captain.

She wouldn't eat her chocolate.
This is because she had a piece of bacon in her cheek.
Breakfast was 2 hours ago.

Success!

More success!

I'm an amazing fisherman. . . or a giant with a northern pike.  Take your pick.

Sprick nation

A gorgeous and crazy family!  I adore them.

I took the boat out early and let Garrison drive.  He was just a little bit excited.

Success again!

Daddy and Noel battling it out.

Last call for smores.
I like to do the chocolate because then I'm so popular.

Divine Appointments

I believe in divine appointments.  My God is so very big and yet cares so very much for little ole Shanda that He can (and does) work in a variety of ways in my life.  One of those ways is to orchestrate a meeting with someone that was totally and completely about Him.  It is often very surprising to me (it shouldn't be), and yet when it happens I have the opportunity to praise His Name.

Sunday night I had a divine appointment.  I had heard from my friend Sarah Sunday morning after church about a woman she met at a block party who was also adopting from China.  We were even using the same agency.  It was suggested that I meet up with her.  I'm not good at meeting up with people.  I don't like to meet new people.  I don't know what to say.  I'm awkward. . . more than usual.  I just don't get excited about it.  I mentioned that I'd look her up on Facebook.  That seems really easy.  And safe.  And non-committal.  You know---Shanda/esk.

So Sunday evening as I was leaving the church picnic, Sarah asked if I'd like to go for a quick walk.  You betcha I would.  (See--you already know what is going to happen right?!?)  I went over to her house and we walked for three minutes until we came to Michelle's house.  She was on her porch.  She was waiting for us and didn't even know it!  I hugged her.  (Remember how I said I can be awkward when meeting new people?  See above paragraph if you have forgotten.)  Then Sarah, Michelle and I sat on her front porch for almost two hours and talked and laughed and cried a little.  We talked adoption and family and God and special needs and how to name kids. . . it was so very awesome and I shook my head and smiled when I thought about how of course God would put us together and I was all doubting it.

But--things get better.  Hard to believe right?  See, Michelle and I are in the same stages of our adoption paperwork AND we are using the same agency SO it is very possible that

We will be traveling to China together!!!!

See how God did that?  See how when I had just talked with Gary about how I feel like things are going slow God showed me a very good reason why they are as they are.  He is not late.  He is aware of our entire situation.  He knows when the best time will be for Michael to enter our family.  He knows that Michelle might be exactly who I need to travel with me.  He's got it.  All of it.  I really hope He chooses to put me on a plane with my new friend Michelle and I'll get to hang out for a week with her and her sweet new daughter in China.  I think I'll add it to my prayer list and hopefully He'll say yes.

And I'm back

I'm back home and today I took back my house.  Things got put away and I felt more in control.  Good stuff.

I just hugged and kissed and kissed again and reassured the ducks into bed, and I'm finally able to sit and blog.  I've thought about it multiple times, but things have been wonderfully busy here and I'm wonderfully tired.

I must confess that I took around 900 pictures.  In my defense, my brother took about 100 of them (giving the camera to Kevin is dangerous).  There are also about 50 family pictures, 50 individual shots of my kids (I'm trying to take my own school pictures) and my mom asked me to be the official photographer which I loved. . . but it also meant taking lots of pictures of my amazing family.  My dad would call me over to him and ask me to take a picture of something.  I just went through them all and wrote down which ones I wanted to share.  Ahem. . . I need to go through again and do a little weeding.

In addition to being busy reaquainting ourselves with real life, I had a divine appointment last night (eager to share that one with ya!) and we are launching our fundraising video this week.  You are excited now right?!?  :)

Vacation.  This is our seventh year of going to Fremont Lake as a Koeman family.  It is always amazing, and this year was no different. . . and yet it was extremely different.

It was no different in that we had campfires and laughed.  We skied and tubed.  We ate suppers together.  We chased after children and caught fish.  We slept in cozy cottages on terrible mattresses and tried to rinse off in showers with heads shooting six streams in many different directions.  Kevin and Tricia made the best coffee.  Mom took stuff for tonka pies on the first night.  Gary hauled out the five pound bag of shelled peanuts to eat around the campfire and hid them in Kevin's boat on the day that we left.  We used band-aids and anti-itch cream on a regular basis.  I forgot to pack some things.  Ryan was extremely funny.  Good stuff.  Always good stuff.

YET, things were a bit different this year.  From the outside looking in, you might say that things were bad.  I have to confess though. . . they weren't.  First, the weather. . . ahem. . . was less than stellar.  Four of the nights were in the 40's.  There was only one day that was what we would call a "beach day".  One of the days was so cold and windy that we couldn't even be close to the beach.  Instead, we set up camp behind the garage and had a dance party there complete with a snack buffet.  Weather can dampen things.  Yes it can.  Here is what I figured out--though we are at a lake, this family is not limited by using the lake.  We found other ways to have fun together.  We bundled up.  We played games.  We visited each other's cabins.  We figured out how to light the heaters.  We praised God that the heaters worked.  We decided to make it good. . . and it was.

Second, there was the flu.  Mr. Flu showed up without an invitation.  13 of the 20 of us got sick at some point during the week.  That stinks.  It really really stinks.  It isn't fun to be sick. . . but to be on vacation and not in your own bed and knowing what fun is happening outside. . . but we made it.  We helped families that had parents down.  We adjusted our supper schedule.  We prayed for each other.  We tagged teamed as parents.  (Noel, Gary, Penny, and me all had it in our cabin.)  At one point I must admit, I asked my brothers if it was time for us to take a one day "time-out".  I can't even believe that I suggested it--I'm the girl with the JOY tattoo!  Mom and Dad had gone home because they were both sick and dad got phantom pain on top of it.  Three of the cabins had illness at the time.  My brothers declared "Nope.  We are gonna stay."  I'm glad we did.  I find that increasingly, it is easy to just "opt-out" of hard stuff. . . to take the easy way.  We gutted it out and got better and celebrated health.  It was good for me to learn.

Third each family took a meal.  In the past, my mom has prepared EVERY SINGLE SUPPER FOR US during vacation.  She sees it as a way to give us a break from the usual cooking.  The time had come to share a bit more of the load.  She wasn't staying in a place where she could cook, so each family took one night to cook for everyone else.  I loved it!  I loved seeing new ideas from my sisters.  I loved being served by the other families.  I loved serving them burgers and cheesy potatoes.  It was great.

The final change for us this year is that we were in a different cottage.  It was hard to do since I'm so sentimental and I really liked our original cottage, but seeing as we are the biggest family (and only getting bigger!) it made sense for Sprick Nation to be in the largest cottage.  Know what?  It was awesome!  We loved it.  We loved the extra bedroom.  It helped so much with sleeping and just keeping more calm in the cottage.  It was a really good change.  Sometimes Shanda. . . it is good to just move on.

I kept thinking about Michael during the week.  I hope he likes the water.  I wonder where he will sleep?  I hope he fits in well with the other cousins.  I think next summer's cottage vacation will be different again with his presence.  If next year is anything like this year, it is going to be wonderful.

Boo!

Did ya miss me?

I blogged for a few days in a row there and then I hid for a bit.  My kids are into hiding and then jumping out and saying "Boo!" too loudly.  (Hence the title of this post.)  Ah, I'm so clever.

I'm here to tie up some loose ends and then we are off again for the grand finale of our summer: THE COTTAGE. (cue the organ music)  We love vacationing with the Koeman family at Fremont Lake.  I'll have many many pictures of the week considering I love taking photos.  Last year there were over 800.  I'm hoping for less this time around.  We are doing new stuff this year including each family cooking a meal, the Spricks are switching cabins, and we are bring "melty beads".  Our friends the Mersmans introduced us to these while camping and the kids are excited.  Officially they are pearler beads.  They make little plastic shapes that are useless and I have to bring an iron.  They do inspire creativity and my kids love to work on them.  They'll be perfect for a rainy day.  Thanks you Hobby Lobby and Amazon.com.

The visit with Mrs. Mary our social worker went great on Tuesday.  I really enjoyed listening to my children answer questions about how they feel about Michael and what their strengths are.  (Garrison said he was good at finding treasures and jumping on the trampoline.  He purchased a cordless phone and a candle today at the thrift store.  God bless him.)  Because it was so fascinating, I want to be more intentional about asking my children questions about who they are and what they believe.  For example, Noel announced that God has told her that she needs to work with animals.  After all, she had helped "that moth that one time".  She is very serious about it.  We have just a few documents to finish and then our home study will be complete.  We'll submit it, wait 2-4 weeks and get our time/date that we need to get fingerprinted.  Then we'll wait another 2-4 weeks to see if we passed and then we get some blah blah form saying we are good to go.  During this waiting time, we need to be collecting our documents for our dossier.  This is the packet that is sent to China and is the very official one.  More on this when the time comes.  It is fun to see one of our goals getting closer to being completed.

This week was spent doing doctor stuff.  All four kids went to the dentist at the same time.  Yup--rock-n-roll baby!  We only had one cavity (Garrison!) and two kids with "crowding" in their mouths (Simon and Noel).  Braces are in our future.  Sweet!!--I was hoping to pay for that as an adult rite of passage.  I went to the dentist as well.  Plus, all four kids had their yearly physicals--two at a time.  Our doctor won't schedule all of them at once.  We do make quite the scene because everyone comes with me.  Those offices are quite small when Sprick Nation arrives.  Things look good and adoption forms were filled out (yup--the kids had to have a doctor's approval too!).  Garrison needs to eat more veggies, Noel needs nasal spray, Penny might not outgrow her night terrors until she is 13 (This is now on my prayer list!!!!), and Simon can continue to eat fat.  I fed him chicken skin this afternoon.  :)  When we had ham the other night, we all passed our fat to him.  He loves it and he needs it.  Each child listened to their heart beating and smiled with big eyes.  Penny heard hers and told the nurse that Jesus was in there.  She also said it was playing Jesus Loves Me--and then sang a bit with the nurse.

We'll take a week off and then be back with adventures and pictures from the cottage.  God bless!

Mrs. Mary

Mrs. Mary is coming over today.  She is our social worker and she is coming for our home visit.  We've done a little prep--I dusted.  I even dusted the stuff that she isn't going to see.  (Pat myself on the back.)  We've told the kids that she is going to ask them if we are good parents.  "Yes.  They are wonderful parents.  We love them." That doesn't sound coached does it?

This adoption process seems to be very slow to me.  We were ready and rare-in to go in May and after about half the paperwork, two interviews, and now this home visit. . . I feel that we are so far away from actually going.  There is still more to do. . . more papers.  More fingerprints.  More pictures.  More.  I just want to crush it, be done with it, and go get him.

Then reality hits me.  There is going to be another person in our house.  There is going to be another person in our camping trailer.  There is going to be another person who needs to be taught with patience and understanding (something that I fail in WAY to often).  We are doing great and we have a great groove and I know my four ducks.  I took them all to the dentist this morning and it went great.  I didn't even yell!  (I did give them fruit snacks in the car afterwards for a reward snack even though one of the things they told my kids to stay away from was fruit snacks.  I was NOT going to waste them.  Hey--they just had flouride put on their teeth--we should have had candy for lunch and cupcakes for supper.)

So I get scared sometimes.  And I get selfish sometimes.  I go camping and I love it and it is getting easier and I verbally celebrate that next year Michael will be with us but inside I wonder if it will be as fun. . .and easy.  Will he get along with me?  Will the ducks like him?

And then I have devotions in the morning and I'm reminded that God has led us to get Michael.  This was not a purely emotional decision.  He laid it on our hearts and He is in the paperwork process and He will take care of Michael when he goes to school in the fall.  He will help us find a conversion van.  He will help us find a super duper little cheap high miles-per-gallon car.  He will give us exactly what we need from our fundraisers.

We have three irons in our fundraiser fire.  My friend Sarah and I (just Sarah really.  I cheered.) put together a video to put on this blog.  I'm praying about when to debut it.  I think we'll have a bunch of adoption bills coming up the beginning of September, so the end of August might be a good time.  Let me know if God gives you great insight into this.  Second, our church orphan team is hosting a fundraising night at our church on September 7.  It is going to be a live mannequin night with sundaes.  All proceeds will go to us.  Isn't that a crazy awesome gift?  We were totally surprised.  Finally, the deacons are going to talk this month about opening an adoption assistance fund at church for folks who are adopting and might need a little somethun somethun to assist them.  We can apply to receive some of this aid.  I love this because we can ask for help now and then in the next year we can give back to help other families.

4:00 is coming and will bring Mrs. Mary to our house.  She won't see any dust, but she'll see an imperfect family who just loves God and with His help is trying their best to serve Him in the way that He has asked.

Camping Pictures!!!

We've returned from a great week of camping with our friends the Mersmans.  Debbie and I met in college and have been friends ever since.  She is one of those amazing people that God puts in your life who transcends the decades.  Now our hubbies get along and our kids do as well.  It was a great match for our first week of camping together.

We tried out a new campground (for us) and loved it!  We've put in our reservations for Cranhill Ranch for next year already.

Feel free to enjoy our pictures!

Gotta get those sweet moments when they happen.

"Do you smell something?"  Gary figured out that our stove was leaking gas.  He was off to Menards and had it fixed by lunch.  Next project--pull out the whole stove and add more counter space.

One of the most common views of the boys.  This is the frog/turtle pond where they spent HOURS catching critters.  We could see them from our campsite.  Bonus.

Melty beads.  Melty beads.  Melty beads.

Besides the pond, this big dune was the hit of the week.  They made all kinds of awesome things.

I put this in only to show my embarrassment about it.  Shanda: do not wear those pajama pants.  Make pancakes in something else please.

All. By. Himself.

Look at that girl doing stand up paddle boarding!

What an injury.

Garrison caught "Pickles" the frog on the first day.  The frog and turtle races were three days later.  He played with Pickles, fed him, loved him and eagerly waited for the race.  Race day came and off went Garrison.   He missed the race because he was busy practicing.  We had our own race at the campsite and then Garrison felt like he could say good-bye.

Smore time!

Not exactly the way to eat a corn dog, but it works.

Oh so tired.

This is a huge tadpole!  Good job Garrison.

Noel was in the sack race during the rodeo.

The spectators.

Garrison had to ride this horse and keep a cup of water over his head.

The final event was the tug of war.  Garrison and Noel gave it all they had.

Snapping turtle!  We didn't keep him in the bucket by our campsite.

Shanda goes for a ride on Mortimer.  It was great!

This girl--she can't eat pudding!

Noel painted her bag and her arms.

She did it herself!

Happy 8th Birthday Garrison!

That is the smile I love. 

Before we left, Simon quick caught a snake.  Good work!