A new journey

A new journey has begun for us Koemans. Dad is back in Holland. He is attending AA meetings, he is going to church with my mom, he is attending counseling both with my mom and by himself. It is good. It is also a little scary. This is uncharted waters.

I went to an O.A.R. meeting last night with my mom. I continue to be blessed by the people and the therapists there as I learn about addiction. Last night was on trigger and relapse. I find myself being convicted in my own life about such issues. I am working again at getting my weight off from this pregnancy. (You know. . . the one from seven months ago!) The past two weeks have been terrible! I had minor surgery on my toes that left me unable to walk for a few days and then one section became infected. . . I haven't been doing much activity lately. I've also used that and the holidays as a license to eat. Triggers and relapse. Certain songs, smells, people, locations. . . all triggers for us. We can't escape triggers, but we can stay away from relapse.

I'm committed to standing by my dad and helping him with his recovery. He'll have triggers too I'm thinking. He needs to know that I'll be there. When the urge hits, there are people that can help him so that he doesn't crash and burn. Up until last night, I found myself keeping my eyes and ears open to his possible failure. I discovered that I'm planning on him failing. Honestly, I thought that last nights meeting was going to be about how to recognize relapse. I'm on guard, and I think that is normal. I need to do a little tweaking though. Instead of looking for the failure, I was challenged to ask dad this question instead. "How are you actively managing your recovery?" I like that so much better. It allows me the opportunity to celebrate with him. It makes me less of a guardian. It might encourage him to join a group at Evergreen Commons or some other thing. It certainly will allow him to be less defensive. I think I should ask myself the same question about any issue in my life that I'm trying to change. Living a healthier life. Spending more time in the word. Getting more on top of cleaning in my house.

"Shanda, what are you actively doing to manage your recovery?"

enemies

Place: The Sprick swagger wagon.

Time: On the way home from church.

Conversation between Gary, Shanda, Garrison, and Simon

"Mom, what's that?"

"What?"

"That big thing, you know, kinda black and with a big long (hand motions) thing on it?"

"Oh, that's a tank."

"A tank?"

"Yup"

"What is that long thing?"

"A gun"

"A GUN!?!?!"

"Yes."

"Why does that thing need a gun?"

"The tank needs a gun so that it can fight."
"Fight?"

"Yes, fight enemies."

"Who shoots the gun?"
"Well, there are men and women who chose to defend us from our enemies. They get special training and they can shoot the gun. Someday, you can chose to join the army then you can drive a tank. (as an aside to the spouse in the car: I don't think Simon can join the army with his tumor--let's not start on that one though.)

"Where are our enemies?"

"Well. . . they are far away."
"Are they going to shoot us?"

"Nope, we do not have to worry about being hit by our enemies. They are far away."

"Are there enemies in our neighborhood?"

"nope."

"Oh, I know, enemies live in emenyland (spelling correct). If you go to emenyland, then you will find enemies."

"Sure. Let's just plan on using a tank and shooting the gun in emenyland. Who is excited about the Christmas party tonight?"

Christmas Letter

I love receiving Christmas letters. I love it and am NOT bored by it. Even if I know you very very very well, it is still great to relive your year with you. When Gary comes home at 4:31 and enters with the mail, everything else gets ignored while I open all Christmas cards. Don't bother me. :)

I did send Christmas cards (sorry if you didn't get one--I ran out!) but I did not include a Christmas letter. Three years ago I bought beautiful blue snowflake paper for Christmas letters. I bought 400 sheets (on clearance at Menards baby!) so I wouldn't have to buy paper again for a few years. I didn't use them for the past two years. Why? I'm afraid. There, I said it. I'm afraid that folks will think me boring. I know, I know, perhaps my resolution for next year will be caring less about what others think of me. If I were to have written a letter on the beautiful snowflake paper. . . .

What?!? Another year has passed. My oldest son went through two sizes of pants, my youngest son proved he can hop on one foot during the Christmas program, my oldest daughter has decided kissing isn't cool, and my youngest daughter arrived. Here we are through my eyes.

Gary? He is my love. I still marvel that God brought us together. He is handsome, thoughtful, generous with his time and his gifts, and a really good dad. Plus, he is a great husband. I never thought I'd be deserving of such a man. He works hard and faithfully despite some challenging stuff at work (AT&T field tech). He is sporting his fifth hair style of the year. I love that about him. He has still not gotten his nose pierced and for that I'm thankful.

Garrison? My 5 year old boy changed this year. There is a new maturity about him. He is enjoying pre-school again, although he doesn't realize that he is repeating. With his August birthday and some immature social skills, Gary and I decided to have him wait a year for kindergarten. It was a good decision. He is a leader, has an easy smile, loves to give hugs, cries with huge crocodile tears when Frosty melts, learned how to swim without a life jacket and lost his first tooth. I love him.

Simon? Has is really been two years since he joined our family? My four year old is best described with two words: silly and determined. Don't bother telling Simon he is too little to do something, he'll find a way. His attention span is much longer than his older brother's. On the other hand, he is so very goofy! This can be funny or drive me batty! There are several kids in his class that aren't allowed to sit next to Simon. One word, one look, one noise can send him over the edge. Don't change his routine! Flexible is not a word used to describe him. He wanders out of his room every morning looking for a hug. I love him.

Noel? Delightful, stubborn, dramatic, joyful, independent, sassy, musical, tomboy, and princess. It is hard to describe Noel because frankly, she is indescribable. :) She enthralls those who meet her. She is three and vacillates between being a little girl and a teenager. She adores her older brothers and loves their approval. She also loves to get them mad, and she is very good at it. If you watch her, she is either skipping, walking on her toes, or twirling as she moves from place to place. I love spending one on one time with her. She pretends like no other. I love her.

Penny? We gave her the name Penny because she was such a blessing to us. She has lived up to her name! She is so very happy and content. I'm so thankful that God decided to give her to us last. She is very used to all the noise and all the touching that three older siblings offer to her. She has decided to crawl which has made an impact in my life in a negative way. She grunts when she is excited. She kicks when she is excited. She smiles when she is excited. Life is very good for Penny, and for us because she is here. I love her.

Smokey? Our dog is our dog. As he ages he mellows out a bit which is great. I'm not a huge fan of Smokey, but I do love the people that love him.

Me? Well, I love my life. There are many moments when I'm not winning awards for being a good mom. I do love being at home with my kids. I love planning meals and finding deals while grocery shopping. I love the school that my kids attend. I love having four kids. I love our church. I love my Bible Study and the amazing Godly women in my group. I love being married to Gary. I love walking with the Lord every day. Sure, this year has been very eventful. The birth of a baby and the ups and downs that came with my dad added drama. Throw in a trip to the ER with Noel, trips to Branson, questions about Simon's medical condition, the arrival of a new niece, my brother and sister-in-aw announcing their pregnancy, making new friends at church, inheriting a trailer, Gary having sinus surgery. . . it is a wonderfully full life with new surprises every day. God is so amazing isn't He?

Our table is open as big as it can get. We are having our small group over tonight to decorate cookies. I have about 170ish cookies ready to go. Our house will be full of laughter. We did the same thing on Monday night with friends from church. Friday night we'll have our family party to celebrate Christmas. Christmas morning will arrive and we'll open stockings and eat cupcakes for breakfast. Why? It is Jesus' Birthday and we always have cupcakes for breakfast when someone in our family has a birthday. May you have a wonderful time celebrating the birth of Christ.

In Him

shanda

Baby Steps

No, my newest daughter isn't taking baby steps yet. She began to crawl today though. Real, knees and hands crawling. I'm trilled and upset all at the same time.

We are in baby steps with dad. He finishes his treatment this week in Traverse City. He'll be returning to Holland toward the end of this week. He seems to have made some really good strides. He is identifying areas in which he has hurt us. He even apologized specifically to my mom for some of the things that he had done to her. We've never heard any of that, even after the other "detoxes". It is a HUGE part of AA recovery. My heart is thankful. He also realized that he can not just jump into the family. He'll need to sign a sobriety contract and earn our trust back. That will take a lot of time. Perhaps he is beginning to walk the road of sobriety.

For the past month, dad has been in the care of others. He has lots of fellowship, lots of therapy and no opportunity to go off program. It has been a good month for him. The true test will begin soon. He'll be living in a house that he is renting. He'll be living by himself. He'll be responsible to reconnect with his AA sponsor, to go to counseling, to buy his own groceries, to find ways to occupy his time, and to stay off of medication. I'm very wary because I've been here before. Do I think dad can do it? Yes. Do I hope and pray that he does? Yes. Do I think he will? Well. . . one part of me ways he will, yet the guarded part of me, the part that has seen him for the past 15 years, that part of me that doesn't want to open the door of my heart nor my children's hearts again. . . that part has a hard time thinking that he will. I know he can do it. My dad, he is one determined fellow.

We watched slides at our family Christmas party this week-end. I saw my dad camping, hiking, water skiing and having so many fun adventures. We celebrated the dad that always made us go out and "do things" even when we wanted to just stay inside and do nothing. He pushed and pushed and was determined to have fun with his family and to never be handicapped. I really hope that this dad shows up later this week. I'd like to see him again. As always, we covet your continued prayers.

I am a princess

For Bible Study this year, we are doing the Beth Moore series on Esther. For our last gathering this calendar year, we had a banquet. My group decided to dress up as princesses of course. We had so much fun waving to the throngs and admiring our tiarras. I of course pulled my best outfit from my closet: my Grandma Sternberg's dress. It is lovely. I added huge bright pink earrings, tacky necklaces, big hair, and a ton of make-up. You can't see in the picture, but zoom in: it is there.

What is funny about this outfit is that I was pulled aside by a dear older woman in the church. She talked to me three different times last Tuesday morning. Why? She wanted to admonish (lightly) me for not wearing this dress to church on Sunday mornings. She also kept exclaiming about my make-up. Now I am far more comfortable in jeans and a sweatshirt with a pony tail atop my head. I don't really wear make-up. It isn't my style and the one to whom I dress up for doesn't really like it. He finds me more attractive without it. She was horrified! Apparently, I look wretched usually and today I finally looked good. Thanks so much! I enjoyed her declarations and stated that I probably wouldn't be showing up at church like this anytime soon. She did find me on Sunday morning and was a little put off that I hadn't heeded her advice.

On a serious note, I love my Bible Study ladies. It is so great to have a group of people that I can discuss Spiritual issues, joys, and concerns. I know that if I ask for prayer from them, they will be praying throughout the week. I love being a part of their spiritual journey and I gladly welcome them on my walk. I thank God so much that I have found such a great home.

My favorite coach

I went to a basketball game on Friday night. I didn't stay until the end and I can't you many names of the players on the team. I didn't wear team colors. I don't teach any of the students. I left with my boys at halftime. It was after all bedtime for them.

I got teary eyed several times during the game. See, my little brother is the coach. Ah, such pride from this big sister. I had my camera out and got photos of his first steps on the home court as the varsity coach. :) I'm not proud because of how they did or how they played basketball. I'm proud because my brother is more than just basketball. See, his philosophy is that he is coaching these guys to be men of character, men who do what is right before God. Basketball is second. I know from listening to him that there are lots of ways that he does this. Let me tell you instead what I see on the court and read in the paper.

1. When the starting players are announced, they do all the special handshake blah blah with their teammates (standard), they shake the hand of the opposing coach (standard), and then they shake the hands of the officials. What?!? That is so very cool.

2. When someone falls down on the court, Kevin's players are there to lend a hand. It doesn't matter what team they are on, they are always there to lend a hand. Love it!

3. When the paper interviews the coach after a tough loss and focuses on what the players did wrong and how the technical foul changed the momentum of a game. . . . Kevin (my brother) talks about how this great kid apologized to his team after the game and what a stand up kid he is. No blame. No frustration. Grace.

I'm looking forward to more games. I'm also praying that God puts people like Kevin in the lives of my kids. It doesn't matter if it is sports, a job, fine arts. . . whatever they choose to be a part of. . . I want men and women of character to coach them and teach them to be young people of God's character.

Aye!

Hey--there is so much that I want to say. Do you ever have that? Thanks by the way for your thoughts on traditions. We have been enjoying ours and will be adding a new event on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. Later.

Today, I'm sitting on the couch with my feet up. I'm in pain. Mom's are supposed to "work through it" and keep on keeping on. I did that yesterday. I did that until Gary got home and I showed him my bandaged up foot which was blood soaked through new dressings and my second pair of socks. He wasn't happy with me when I told him I probably should be sitting with my feet up. I had minor surgery yesterday and "enjoyed" (awful!) having the sides of both of my big toenails removed. Not. Fun. It was especially "enjoyable" when one side wasn't numb enough and wham bam thank-you mam the digging began. I digress. The doctor and his lovely assistant gave me instructions to sit down with my feet up during the day. I almost laughed out loud. I assured them I would try. I did try and it just wasn't possible.

That changed as soon as Gary became aware of the situation. He sat me down, brought me dinner, gave me a foot rest, took care of the kids, and yelled at me when I began "working" on my way back to the couch following a bathroom break. I deserved it. (He didn't really yell at me, but he was quite insistent that I return to my digs.) He got on my case again this morning. Thanks honey. Though I'm very behind on household things, something else happened this morning. I heard all about Noel's dreams while she was sitting beside me on the couch. I read three books to Garrison. I cuddled with Simon for 10 minutes when he got up. I don't ever do that because I'm so busy in the morning. It was quite nice and a great reminder to me that though things in the house need to get done, sometimes it is o.k. to sit and be with your kids. I need to do that more often. Also, my toes aren't throbbing as much. Imagine that.

It's a full life

Thanks for the comments about traditions. I have 136 cookies baked and only eight more to go. We are having our small group over tomorrow night to decorate. I should have 144 total, but I ate one dough ball when I bought them and another dough ball while I was baking. Come to think of it: each kid had a broken cookie to eat. . . and I overdid one batch. . . and I may have eaten one (or two) of the cookies. So, we'll just say we have over 100 cookies for tomorrow night. Bring on the frosting!

I know, I know. You are shocked that I didn't bake them from scratch. This is especially shocking since the decorated cookies with my mamas recipe is among my favorite cookies EVER! I love them. Folks: I just don't have the opportunity this year to make, roll, cut, and bake them all. I turned to my friend "Gordan" and he gave me pre-cut sugar cookies. Forgive me this year please.

I haven't gotten groceries yet this week. We are enjoying interesting combinations of food. It is a little entertaining and frankly kind of fun. I'm reminded of how blessed I am that I can go for long periods of time without going to the grocery store and we still have more than enough. We are in no way hurting. Thanks God.

Kids to school, helping at school, getting a mole removed, Gary working some pretty long days, church on Wednesday night, decorating the tree, getting our kids hand prints up, discovering Oobi, babysitting for a friend, dressing like a princess (yes, I will blog about it when I get the pictures on the computer--see the Gary working long days comment), week-end guests, discovering Pandora. . . it has been a full few days. Simon is busy asking me who put the fire in the Christmas lights. He would also like you to know that he wants to go to his friend Spencer's house because Spencer has bad guys at his house that they can fight together. Noble? Yeah, let's go with that.

Dad drove himself to Traverse City yesterday for more treatment. He was discharged from Holland Hospital and is now in another program. Could this be the time that he is sincere? Could this be the time of his traveling down the road of recovery? Perhaps. Perhaps not. I'd like to say I'm ready for anything, yet God has a way of constantly surprising me. We'll keep you posted as we journey.

It has been great, this past week of my amazing life. Noel is obsessed with Kleenex. Garrison won't stop picking his fingernails and they bleed every day. Penny doesn't like applesauce. Who doesn't like applesauce? Simon is saving the world from bad guys. It is indeed a wonderful life.

Traditions

I love traditions. I love remembering them, participating in them, and creating new ones. Sometimes I think I go overboard---shhh---don't tell Gary that I actually admitted it. :)

This morning at Bible Study (a post for tomorrow!) several people shared traditions that happen in their house in regards to Christmas. I loved it. Loved. It. Delicious eggs dishes, a Christmas quilt that is passed on, favorite games. . . it was so much fun.

Of course, in my own family we have traditions. Gary's family does a sock (stocking) on Christmas morning. It must always include crayons and a coloring book. My family, well my family has TRADITIONS. Clues to discover a present, doing something outside, a big meal involving beef, pajamas for the kids, sharing prayer requests as a family for the coming year, getting fruit snacks from off of the tree, dad writing a Christmas blessing for each of us, some sort of surprise game, a 10 hour celebration, and it used to include jell-o in a cloud.

Our kids are at a great age for beginning some traditions. Gary and I are trying some things. . . thinking about what we'd like to pass on to them. There are too many things I'd like to do, so we must narrow it down. The kids always do their hand prints at Christmas. We do the Christmas stockings. We always take a drive and listen to Christmas music and look at the lights. We deviated this year from getting our usual "kind" of Christmas tree and instead went with a Frasier Fir. A welcome change I think. The kids will be remembering more and more about Christmas and what we do in our house. Do you have any favorites? I'd love to hear.

Here's hoping

Yup, I still have hope. I think God intended it that way. I don't think that I could ever lose all hope. I love the guy! I love love love him. How could I not keep hoping that my dad will get well enough to come home and be a functioning member our our family?

It makes it easier when you have a visit with him like my mom and I did last night. His eyes were clear. There was no anger in his voice. He even listened to us and asked us questions--and the questions weren't manipulative in nature! He laughed and we laughed with him.

I know, I know. I know that he could be different today. I know that everything that he said to us yesterday could have been a lie. He is after all an addict. He does seem to be more together. He is identifying that HE needs to work to get better. HE needs to make some decisions regarding his life. Usually, all we hear is him blaming others for his troubles. It seems like the work he is doing at Holland Hospital right now has been helpful. His time there is limited though. He has to choose a new place to live. The hospital is working with him to find a place that will continue to help him. It is totally his decision as this is his recovery. Will you join us in praying that he'll make a good decision regarding his future care? My mom and I ended our time with dad by praying together while holding hands. It is the first time I've held his hand and I liked it. I hope that we get to pray together again soon.

Especially in this holiday season I need to think and hope that maybe next year we'll be celebrating Christmas as a whole family.

On a side note, mom and I left with a spring in our step. We looked at each other and laughed in the elevator at what we had just experienced together. We blessed God! As we stepped out of the elevator we were confronted by someone who had heard of our situation. This person was critical of our family, judged us, and wanted us to "be on the same page". I think they wanted us to be on their page. Though it shook us a bit, I did find myself laughing about it. God was working in dad's life and so we needed to be attacked. Do you ever have that? You are walking with God so the evil one needs to throw some weight around. I was thankful that we were worthy of such an attack. It didn't stop me from replaying the scene over and over in my head. I'm so thankful for friends who support us and trust that all the professional and spiritual help we are getting is right. I'm so thankful for friends who may not have a clue about what is happening, yet they continue to pray for us. I'm thankful for people who want to judge, yet refrain from doing so because they realize that they don't "know everything". I'm living it and I still don't know everything. :) Thanks for being a positive part of our journey.

The first snow

I think the first snowfall of the year is amazing--and quite funny. Amazing because my God decided to give it to us. He could have chosen so many other ways, way less boring and beautiful, to water the earth. But instead, He gave us not only snow, but many different kinds of snow. I just love Him and I clapped for Him today. I know He'll give me an encore.

The first snowfall is funny as well. First, Garrison was my first one up with me this morning. I noticed the snow and turned all of the lights out in the house. I called him over to me by the sliders and turned on the outside Christmas lights. I will forever remember his face. Pure awe with a side of joy. He was so excited he almost couldn't speak (crazy for my Garrison!). We talked about snow, about when he could go outside, about what he wanted for breakfast. We moved on with the morning and I turned the lights back on so I could indulge my son and get him some food. While I was in the kitchen I heard a shriek from the living room. Garrison began shouting to me (not a good idea in a house with four sleeping people in it!) that there was snow in the front of the house too! Isn't this amazing!?! Yes, I laughed. It is so cool how there is snow in the front and the back of the house.

The other thing I find funny about the first snowfall is that it seems people can't talk about anything else! There were millions (well maybe 20) posts on facebook about snow. People at school, comments on the radio. . . it amuses (which should be spelled with a "z" by the way) me that we suddenly have to announce the obvious to each other. I've smiled many times today.

So friends in West Michigan, enjoy the first snow. It certainly is beautiful. . . although not as beautiful as the precious baby sleeping in my arms right now--yup, I'm multi-talented. Now ya know.