Follow up to yesterday

Well. . . .

Dad didn't show up to the meeting. He called Pastor Tom before the meeting and after a 45 minute conversation in which he was sad, then defiant and angry. . . he said he would not meet at all. He is accusing Pastor Tom and of course my mom of all kinds of ridiculous things. He has even called a man whom he believes mom is having an affair with in order to confront him. It is all so sad, ridiculous and at times silly. We have been warned to be very careful. We know dad has anger problems: he has been abusing my mom. Pastor Tom says he has never seen someone more belligerent and manipulative than dad. Who knows if he could snap at us at some point. We'll be careful.

Dad is very very sick. He is working so hard to control his world, but addiction controls him. Addicts can hold it together for awhile and dad has been holding it together. . . but after awhile. . . the addiction takes over again. It has to. It controls him.

Thankfully, God is bigger than dad. God is bigger than addiction. God can quiet the storm with a word. He is always on-time. (That means He is never late.) So, we continue to pray. We continue to love dad from afar. We continue to cling to God and He has given us peace and each other.

Thanks for supporting us, for reading this, for learning more about addiction, and mostly for asking God to help and completely heal my dad.

My dad

Hi all

Here is an update on what is going on with my dad.

He is loved by us. All the time.

He has admitting to his siblings that he needs help.

He flew to Lynden, WA and interrupted my mom's vacation. Not only was this a silly idea, it was illegal. He can be thankful that my mom has such hope that she didn't call the police and have him arrested.

He is meeting today at 3:30 with Pastor Tom. Pastor Tom is our addiction counselor and the man who wrote up the contract that we presented to dad at our intervention. I know that my God is in the miracle business, He is the great physician, He can change hearts with one whisper, He is the comforter to the hurting. He has the power to soften dad's heart and have dad sign the contract. Dad wants to write his own treatment plan. We are against this. He may chart his own course, but then he still won't have contact with the family. He has done this many times and every time, the addict in him won the battle. Our contract removes any holes that Dan the addict could find.

So, would you please. . . if you read this today (10-28) please pray for my dad at 3:30? You can even pray for him before and after! Please, let's all go before God's throne and ask over and over for Him to bring dad to complete surrender and then to completely restore him. God can do it!

Beans and Steak

A friend of mine sent me a book for my birthday. It is called "Reckless Faith". I love it. I'm trying to limit myself to reading one chapter at a time, but what I'd like to do it sit for an afternoon (following my nap of course) and read the entire thing. Instead, I'm trying to absorb all of the great stuff that God has for me. No sense in stuffing myself so full that I don't enjoy the last morsels. Thanksgiving anyone? Here is a quote from the last sentence of chapter three.

"How often did I settle for beans, when, if I had only trusted Him, I might have been given a steak?"

I often try to work with God, to help, to look for all the ways "out" should His answer be "no". I find myself doing that a lot with my dad. Rather than ask for a steak, (complete restoration of him, his mind, and my family) I tend to think smaller. . . . I think that is normal, but not that of a reckless faith. This morning I asked God in what other areas of my life was I settling for beans?

Know what else God did for me today?

1. For the first time in WEEKS, I wasn't up in the middle of the night for a couple of hours!

2. I woke up naturally at 6:30 in time to enjoy my morning devotions with God!

3. I'm getting a free and beautiful piano in just thirty minutes!

4. I haven't vomited this morning!

Look at all these gifts! Hope that you ask for and enjoy steak today.

Two more weeks I hope

Yup, I hope that in two more weeks I'll be feeling better. I've been so tired lately, napping every day with my kids. I'm a little queasy too. I'm pretty thankful about it because in just 29 more weeks, I'll hopefully be holding my precious precious new baby.

It's true! Gary and I are expecting our fourth child. Isn't God spectacular? Yes, I know that I'll be busy. Yes, I know that I already have three children. Yes, I even know that I'm a little crazy. I also know that I love being a mom, I'm so thankful that God decided to bless us again in this way, and I look forward to meeting this new person.

The Holy Spirit

WE'VE! (clap clap) GOT! (clap clap) SPIRIT! (clap clap) S-P-I-R-I-T SPIRIT!

The Holy Spirit is working in my little Garrison's heart and he is listening, perhaps without even realizing it.

Today is a work day. I'm in grubby clothes (I usually am) and I'm trying to get some chores done. It isn't my favorite day, but hey. . . it needs to be done. Plus, Fall Family Festival is Saturday night. We are having a par-tay and things need to be spick and span. . . at least span.

Anyway, Simon and Noel were downstairs playing while Garrison had come upstairs to give me some important news: he found some words that rhymed. That is big news alright. After we had chatted a bit, I continued loading the dishwasher and he went back downstairs. . .except that he didn't go back downstairs. I didn't see him stop and sit on the top step. I did hear him though.

"Dear Jesus. Thank you for everyone downstairs. We bless you Jesus. Amen." My brain was overwhelmed and my eyes got a little misty. Then I heard this:

"Mommy, I just prayed to Jesus!"

"Yes, I heard you. I think that is wonderful. We can pray to Jesus anytime, not just at meals or before bed, but anytime we want."

"Hey mommy, do you wanna come pray with me?"

"Of course I do." I drop everything to pray with my son right!?!

So, I join him at the top of the stairs and sit down. He folds his hands and bends over and prays again, this time thanking God for family members by name as well as a few other wonderful thanks to God. I'll never forget the extra-ordinary moment in the midst of a very ordinary day.

Lord, may I be moved as well to pray whenever and wherever during the day!

Oh so Thankful!

Last night I was cuddling on the couch with Gary, as is our custom. He offered to get up around 9:00 and turn on my electric blanket for me. He is a gem.

Around 9:30 I climbed into bed and enjoyed the WARMTH of my bed. I love warm. I love being comfy and cozy. I have a hard time heating up my space in bed on my own (before we got an electric blanket, Gary would lay on my side for awhile so that it would be warm!). Once again, I gave thanks to God for letting me be born during a time of electric blankets. I'm also so thankful that God allowed me to be born so that I would not have to:

haul wood

haul water

wash my clothes in a creek

travel by buggy

endure pain in labor (I am a fan of the epidural)

entertain my kids in a one room building, or tee-pee, or wagon

live in a cave

really grow or kill everything that I ate

care for and bury the dead

I am thankful that I can:

turn up the heat or the a/c

make a quick trip to the store

enjoy the internet

use a dishwasher

have waterproof boots

sleep in such a comfy bed

have no leaks in my roof

go to the dentist and keep all my teeth

contact my friends in a heartbeat

and tons more!

Seriously, I often thank God for choosing Shanda for this moment, for this time period. I admire those who went before me, who endured chapped hands and lips all winter, who constantly tended the fire, who live through so much cold, who would hear maybe once a year from relatives, who sent their men off to war knowing they may never hear another thing from them or about them. . . .

My bed will be warm again tonight. Thanks ABBA.

Absent

Hi

Sorry I've been a bit absent, both in my presence on this blog, activities with friends, and of my mind. It has been a month. Allow me to share a small portion.

I adore my family. If you don't get that while reading this blog, then you aren't really reading this blog. I love my folks and siblings. We get together often and have such a wonderful time together.

My dad has had a reoccuring problem over the past years. He is addicted to prescription medication. He has been to rehab numerous times. We have been so proud of him. We have stood by him. We have enabled him in a variety of ways. We have always loved him. He was an amazing father growing up. When he is well, he is an amazing Gramps to my kids. I can't even describe how much my kids love him, and how my heart is so happy when I see him teaching my kids how to feed baby birds, how to make boats out of sticks, how to enjoy God's creation. . . .

Recently, things have gotten bad. Dad's anger, combined with his misuse of medication, created an unsafe environment in the house for my mom. My brother and his wife with the complete blessing of the rest of the siblings, removed mom from the house for her safety. We are so afraid of what would have happened had she stayed. She did not leave my dad, we removed her. My mom is doing well. She is getting stronger every day. She is spending so much time with the Lord and enjoying His presence. She is safe.

My dad is at the house. We did have one night of contact with him. We wrote letters and with assistance from a pastor and addiction counselor, we told him what we saw and thought. We asked that he please go and get help so that we can get our dad back. Dad refused. Since that meeting, we are no longer in touch with dad. We made that clear in the meeting and need to stand by our word. He is choosing medication over his family. Let's be very clear.

Friends and family are supportive and critical of us Koemans. They tend to want to take sides. There is only one side. We are all on dad's side. We love him. We want him to get better. Despite his lying about my mom. Despite his assulting my brother and being arrested. Despite his anger towards us. . . we love him. We want him back and want him to get well. I want MY dad back, not this man hopped up on medication. If he would say the magic words "I need help" we would all get speeding tickets on our way to the house to hug him.

Will you please pray for our family? Will you pray for my dad? He is an amazing man. I am who I am today in part because of him. My creativity. My love for the outdoors. My desire to play rather than work. . . all that comes from dad. Our hearts desire is not divorce, it is that God's glory will be seen through healing of my dad and of my parent's marriage. Will you also pray for my mom? God has been very faithful to her and to us. We feel such peace.

Will you also forgive me for a bit longer: Please forgive me for not returning your phone call. Please forgive me for not keeping up on the blog. Please forgive me for being a little absent minded. I'm not myself and I know that. Please also understand that I will NOT respond in anger. I will NOT tear down my dad's reputation. I will NOT lie about him or for him anymore. Addiction is such an ugly thing. There is so much lying, so much savvy, so much sneakiness. . . well. . . we aren't keeping secrets anymore. I also won't give you all the "juicy details". God knows. Truth will rise.

Like my mom says: right now, our lives are fractured into many different pieces. God is who He says He is. He will put the pieces back together into a new and beautiful picture. It may take months or years, but we look forward to seeing His hand.