Thoughts on dad

It's been awhile since I've talked about my dad. Father's Dad came and went on Sunday. We celebrated the great dad that Gary is by letting him sleep in, making cards for him, making his favorite breakfast (biscuits and gravy), and giving him a new cup. We don't make a big deal about holidays. One of the greatest gifts I feel like I can give to Gary is to make him great in the eyes of his kids. We try to celebrate him every day and the great dad that he is.

It did feel strange to be at my mom's house on Father's Day without my dad. I must admit that he's been gone for so many months that in many ways, it seems almost normal. I don't like to say that, but it is the truth. So often over the past years we've celebrated events without my dad anyway. He would often be "low", so after a brief appearance at dinner, he'd go and sleep. We were quite used to being together without dad being physically present. Other times, like at Garrison's 4th birthday party, dad just didn't even show up. There were many times as well when he wasn't emotionally present either. That is even stranger to experience. As we would anticipate getting together with dad, we would wonder which dad we were going to meet. It became our normal.

I've been thinking about him more not only because of Father's Day, but also because I received a letter from him yesterday. To see his handwriting, to hear his voice through the note. . . what a rush of emotions. There isn't any mention of his getting better, of being sorry, of it being so very difficult, of missing me, of missing my kids. . . all things I guess I anticipated hearing. It was very . . . him. His sense of humor, his random thoughts, his use of parenthesis. . . . He acknowledged that I was a new mom, he thought I'd do a good job, he told me not to worry about my house being a mess (no worries--it always is), he learned how to play poker, and he is now bald with a beard. Some parts made me smile and others made me confused.

Dad's counselor told my mom that at the end of his treatment, we'd be invited as family members to come up and meet with him. Of course I will be there. I love him. I'm really hoping that he is learning, growing, changing. . . . Plus, I'll be really curious who will show up in the room. I haven't know my dad off of medication for so many years, it is difficult to know who he really is. And, as in years past, I'm not sure which dad I'm going to meet. I don't think that it will be the dad of my childhood. He is my favorite, but I'm not a child anymore. I don't relate to my dad in that way any longer. I know I'll love whoever walks through the door. I've always loved him and I've never stopped. I do hope that I like him. Don't worry, I'm talking with God about it already. He is preparing both of us. You can pray about it too. Thanks.