Raw feelings

I was awakened early this morning by a bad dream: we had to leave for Disney and we hadn't packed, I needed to clean my stove (there was pea soup all over it), and I had a very nasty mosquito bite.  You can imagine the horror.  :)

As I was waking up I was flooded with thoughts from the day before and I knew there was no getting back to sleep.  Well then, 5:30 is it.  I began to pray, turned off my alarm, and decided to blog and read before Gary and the ducks get up.  We have a busy day.  We had a busy day.

I reached out to my Facebook community last night after receiving the news that we won't be traveling until April to be united with our son.  I keep saying the word "April" like it is a smack in the face.  My Facebook friends comforted me just like I was hoping they would.  I cried at every response and felt God's love wash over me as so many told me they were praying.  Prayer is amazing.  I know why we aren't traveling until then, but it isn't very kind to share it.  I might say something about somebody that isn't true or helpful.  We were also informed that some of our paperwork might be expiring so we'd better go get it sealed next week.  Sweet.

All of my tears surprised me in a way--in a good way.  When we first submitted to God that Michael was ours, I was glad that there was time.  I wasn't ready yet to have him in our house--to be a mom of five, so paperwork was fine.  As we've gotten closer to traveling my love for him as grown, and though I'm still a little scared for what lies ahead, I'm getting excited.  I felt the same way with my babies.  There came a point where I was finally ready.  Last week I told Gary that I was ready to have him home and excited to go and get him.  It was time.

And then suddenly it is not time. 

I'm thankful for that reaction because it shows how my heart has changed.  I've gone from sitting in God's plan and having a heart for an orphan boy that was going to be left behind to loving him and thinking of him as my son.  It is good.

God knows why we are going in April.  I'm feeling much more peace: thanks to my prayers and the prayers of others.  God offers peace and I'm sitting in it.  I'm thankful that Michael is in a wonderful place.  I'm thankful that he has plenty to eat.  I'm thankful that we can skype with him and that his caretakers will explain to him why we aren't coming yet.  (There are those darn tears again!)

We have a busy morning, so this extra early thing isn't too bad.  I'll prepare with some time with the Father and also plan a nap for this afternoon.  Gary is working all day so I'll need to gear up to be a single mama.  It'll be a good day.