Over the past few days, I've been thankful for many things. Wonderful grandparents, a safe and fun road trip, seeing my best friend, eating out, Silver Dollar City, seeing my kids have a great time in a pool. . . and the list could go on and on. I can't even being to express how thankful I am for my husband and kids. I bless God that He chose to bring Gary and I together and that I have four kids! It was only eight years ago I thought I would never get married or have children. I was content to serve God in His Kingdom through teaching--something I loved doing and certainly miss at times. Yes, I am indeed thankful for the life I am living. Church, couple friend, a great school for my kids, some good mentors in my life, and my electric blanket also join my list of things I'm thankful for this year.
Yet, in this time of Thanksgiving, there is a rather large cloud with a severe warning attached to it that is a very real part of my life. Dad. The past two weeks have seen more drama attached to them since this whole thing began. It is hard for me to find things to be thankful for in this situation. When I last posted, dad was living at Lakeside Vista in Holland. He had insisted while at Holland Hospital that he needed to live in a place where his laundry would be washed and his meals cooked for him. Not only was he very unhappy at Lakeside Vista, he became angry about it. He lashed out at my mom on numerous occasions when she would come to visit. He lashed out at his counselor. He lashed out at other visitors. He has gotten so angry and so unstable that my mom is no longer allowed to visit dad alone. We are very afraid for her safety. He also decided to get medication (from the evil doctor who knows about his addition, yet refuses to do anything about it! grrr). . . the same medication that has harmed him so, that he is very addicted to, that he claimed over and over again he "was not on". Lies and lies with a side of lies.
He became so very unstable that he showed up at my mom's house and demanded to be let in. Mom called the police and with their, my Uncle Larry and Pastor Scripp's (the pastor at Graafschap) help, dad was brought to Holland Hospital. He has been readmitted to the psych floor. Where he will go next is totally in dad's hands. He doesn't want to go anywhere where he will be humbled. Friends, we all need to be humbled.
When I went to visit my dad last week, I brought him school pictures of the boys. We talked about them a bit and I asked dad if he wanted to see them again. He did. I then asked him to get busy living. Work to get yourself better. Work hard to discover truths about yourself. He just looked at me. His meal was delivered to his room and I asked dad why he didn't eat with the other residents. His response? "I don't eat with those people?"
Why did he get kicked out of transitional living in Petosky? "I don't belong with those people." Why won't he go live at the Holland City Mission? "I'm not one of those people." See, dad will say that he is an addict, but I don't think he really believes it. He doesn't acknowledge that he can't do it alone, that it is hard work to live in recovery, that he shouldn't have any available cash with which to purchase drugs, that he works hard and spends lots of time thinking of ways to try and manipulate the people in his life. . .he is very good at talking the talk. I continue to pray that God will humble him. Of course, I need to ask God to humble the parts of me that are arrogant and prideful as well.
Our future is so very uncertain again. Let me share one story with you as I close out this very long entry. :) There is a recovery meeting for family members of addicts through OAR (Ottagan Addictions Recovery http://www.oar-inc.org/index.html) that meets on Tuesday nights. Gary and I take turns going with my mom who goes every week. Each week we examine another topic related to addiction. It has been good. The analogy went something like this. As a family, we see the addict dying, almost as if they are drowning. They started with just dabbling in the water, dabbling in their addiction. We think that they will come out someday, that they will stop getting too far out. Soon however, it becomes apparent that they are in too deep. They may not even acknowledge it. We may even realize that they are beginning to drown. When they are drowning, we want to go and rescue them, and many of us have tried this. The problem with jumping into the water is that they will pull us under, they will harm us and we will end up dying with them. Instead, we stand on the shore and throw as many things out to them as we can. Sadly, they often refuse to grasp whatever help we offer to them. We cry and shout and beg and plead for our addict to get help---we do everything that we can do, yet unless our addict accepts help, we grieve as we watch them drown.
It grieves us as we watch dad drown. . . drown in his addiction, his pride, his lies, his arrogance, his manipulation. . .it is so very hard. I keep telling him that I love him and asking him to get the help that he needs, but unless he decides that he is sick. . . .
Thanks for your prayers.
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